Episode 5

Episode 5. Programme opens in hospital.

Tracey: It were Becky.

Plod 1: Are you sure?

Plod 2: Are you really sure?

Tracey: Yes. Arrest her, keep her in the cells overnight, then release her tomorrow pending further enquiries by which time my concussion might have cleared and I might claim it was someone else.

Plod 1: Sounds like a plan.

Plod 2: Sounds like a good plan.

(Scene ends with Plods leaving, and Tracey grinning behind their backs, as she chews on some grapes.)

Scene 2: Emily’s front room.  Norris, Mary, Emily, Claire, Gail, David, Becky, Steve and Betty are present.

Emily: Well you did it.

Norris: Yes, and I think congratulations all round are in order.

Claire: Yes, thanks for attacking her.  I hated the way that she spoke about my Ashley.

Gail: It was very brave of you to do it.

David: Ye, I’m well impressed.

Mary: I think that you were wonderful.  You rose to the challenge without any fear.

Becky: I would’ve killed her, rather than just hurt…

Steve: … but you did your best, and for that we’re all grateful.

Betty: Well it wasn’t too hard.  When Claire told me that she had drawn the short liquorice lace, I knew I had to do it. I couldn’t risk them two lads growing up without a mother.

Claire: Thanks Betty. I could have done it myself but it was good of you to offer.

Betty: The thing is, I’m worried now.

Emily: Worried? What about?

Betty: I’m worried that the police will work out it’s me. I can’t go back to jail, not at my age. (She starts to cry.)

Norris: What do you mean back to jail?

Betty: Oh it was a long time ago. In the 1950s, I was a little short of cash, and Elsie Tanner suggested that I do the same line of work that she was in.

Emily: (looking uncomfortable) Don’t talk about it Betty; you’ll only upset yourself.

Betty: It was awful though, Emily. Don’t you remember what it was like when the door banged shut and you knew you were in for 12 months?

Norris: Why would Emily remember?

Emily: Well, it was a long time ago. Let’s not talk about it.

Betty: They used to call the three of us the Weatherfield Wonders.  We were more supple in those days.

Norris: You mean that you worked the streets as well Emily?

Emily: Times were hard, and I had to make ends meet.

Betty: Aye, like I said we were all more supple then.

Claire: Are you going to take the rap for this Betty?

Betty: I can’t do jail again, lovie.

Claire: Well in that case I am going to have to hand myself in, and say I did it. After all, I was meant to do it in the first place.

(Scene closes with Steve and Becky necking on the sofa, as Mary looks on, licking her lips before smiling to Norris.)

Scene 3: The Bookies.  Nick is suddenly managing the place, and ordering John around.

Nick: And remember to sweep the floor.  If you work hard, I might consider promoting you to half-sized-pen supervisor.  You could fill up the pen holders every day, but only if you work hard.  Of course, if you don’t work hard, I might employ Janice instead as a half-sized pen-supervisor. Do you get it? Eh, eh?

Leanne: Nobody gets your hyphen placement jokes, Nick. Now don’t stand so close to me.

Nick: But I love you, and I want you. I want you to dump Peter, and marry me. We could make a go of this place together.  We could get a licence, sell drinks, late night opening, live music every Friday night.

Leanne: But the bookies belongs to Peter.

Nick: Oh ye, I forgot. What with acting as if I own the place and all that.

Leanne: (moving closer to Nick, thrusting her bosom towards him.) It does sound like a plan, though.

Nick: (Placing a hand on each breast.) We could be good together. A successful pair.

Leanne: Yes, they are but stop touching me and pestering me.

John: That’s the floor swept boss. Can I go out for a while? I have to deliver a parcel to an old lady.

Nick: Yes. Go.

(Scene closes with Leanne pouting at Nick, and Nick leering at Leanne.)

Scene 4: Claudia’s hair saloon.  Audrey is having her free haircut.

Audrey: … and then he said I’d have to climb down the drainpipe and crawl through the shrubbery…

Male customer: He sounds like a cad.

Audrey: He was. But I did love him.

Male Customer: Do you think that you could love me in the same way?

Audrey: I could give you a go.

Male customer: So it’s a date?

Audrey: Ye, it’s a date. 

(Scene closes with Claudia approaching Audrey. She is carrying a bottle labelled ‘industrial strength colourant’.)

Scene 5: The police station.

Claire: I want to confess to a crime.

Plod 1: Which one would that be?

Plod 2: Ye, what crime are you confessing to?

Claire: Battering Tracey Barlow.

Plod 1: Right well hand over your passport.

Plod 2: Your passport please so that you can’t flee the country to, for example, France or any other European or worldwide destination.

Claire: Here it is.  My husband died and Tracey was so nasty about it. She said that he sounded like Kermit the Frog, and then she called me Miss Piggy.

Plod 1: Well, it’s a fair point.

Plod 2: Hard to argue really.

Claire: So, am I under arrest?

Plod 1: Not yet.

Plod 2: Not till tomorrow after we’ve seen Miss Barlow.

Claire: I just pushed her you know.

(Scene ends with Claire leaving the police station, as Plod 1 and Plod 2 chase each other around the desk, waving truncheons and handcuffs. Credits and music.)

Episode 4

Episode 4

(Scene 1: The Street. Sally runs across the road to Tyrone’s. Tyrone opens the door, and Sally rushes in, and hugs him.)

Tyrone: (Looking upstairs) Shall we?

Sally: Yes.

(Scene 2: Emily’s house.  Steve, Becky, Gail, David, Norris, Rita, Mary, Emily and Claire are sitting around the table.)

Steve: I’d do it, but I don’t wanna end up in the big house again.

Becky: And I’ve got a bit of a record too, so it might be difficult.

Gail: Well, to be honest I’ve been inside as well, so perhaps I shouldn’t do it.

David: And I did four months in a young offenders’ institution.

Rita: I was locked up once as well.

Mary: I have never been locked up.

Norris: Emily and me haven’t been locked up either.

Emily: Emily and I, Norris. Don’t get your subject and object pronouns mixed up.

Mary: What does it matter?

Emily: Well, take for example the sentence “Rita likes Norris more than me…”

Mary: No, I don’t mean that. I mean what does it matter who’s been locked up.

Rita: We’d be suspects.

Becky: We’ve got form.

Mary: But we will all be suspects, and we can all give each other alibis.

Steve: Yes… I can see it could work.  But who’s going to do the dirty deed?

Mary: Well, I have here some liquorice laces from the mobile cabin.  They’re all the same length, except for one which I’ve nibbled at.  We will all choose a lace, and the shortest one gets to do the dirty deed.

(Scene 3: The Rovers. Carla and Tracey are talking at the bar.)

Tracey: I need a job.

Carla: Have you any experience.

Tracey: No.

Carla: Will you work hard and spend all day sewing and not take too long on your teabreaks and not skive?

Tracey: No.

Carla: And will you promise not to argue with all of the other staff, and not wind them up?

Tracey: No.

Carla: And do you have a clean criminal record?

Tracey: No.

Carla: You’re ideal! Welcome to the Underworld.

Tracey: (to herself) I’ve been there a long, long time.

(Scene 4: Tyrone’s bedroom. Camera starts on the bedroom floor, showing Tyrone’s vest and Sally’s brassiere.  It pans to the bed. Sally’s head is on Tyrone’s chest. They are clearly post flagrante.)

Tyrone: How was it for you?

Sally: I don’t want to talk about Kevin.

Tyrone: I thought it was amazing.

Sally: Kevin used to say I was amazing.

Tyrone: Have we done the right thing?

Sally: I don’t want to talk about Kevin.

(Scene 5: The Barlows’. Tracey is alone with an iron.)

Tracey: (Singing to herself… I don’t like Mondays)

David: You can’t sing.

Tracey: Ooh! What are you doing here?

David: I came around to see you, to scare you and to frighten you off.

Tracey: Oh. I thought you wanted me.

David: Well, I do, but you’re ironing.

Tracey: (Running her tongue over the hot iron). I like iron, David.  I like to feel a hot iron in my hand.

David: (Feeling uncomfortable downstairs). I want you.

Tracey: Twenty quid – all you can eat.

David: Including dessert?

Tracey: Certainly my little custard pudding.

David: I’m glad I put my blue and purple check pants on.

(Scene 6: Much later. A dark alleyway somewhere. Tracey is walking alone, looking for customers.)

Tracey: (Singing to herself… Love for Sale).

Love for sale.
Appetising young love for sale.
Love that's fresh and somewhat spoiled,
Love that's really very soiled,
Love for sale.
Who will buy?
Who would like to sample my supply?
Who's prepared to pay the price,
For a trip to Traceydise?
Love for sale.

Stranger: Tracey Barlow.

Tracey: Who is it?

Stranger: Ask no questions. (Stranger biffs her one, and she falls to the ground.)

Tracey: Oouoch.

Stranger: Ha ha ha ha. Got you ya bint.
Music and Credits.)

Boxing day

Boxing Day

Scene 1: Tracey’s Bedroom.  Eric, Derek and Lembit are still there, but Tracey has gone out.

Eric: I am exhausted.

Derek: I am stunned.

Lembit: I feel cheeky.

[Ken enters]

Ken: Oh hello. I didn’t realise that you were here.  Are you friends of Tracey’s?

Eric: Well we’re customers more than friends.

Derek: But we are quite friendly.

Lembit: And I’m quite cheeky.

Ken: Yes….. I see… I think.

Scene 2: Emily’s house. Emily and Norris are entertaining Mary and Rita.

Emily: Another sherry Rita?

Rita: Yes please Emily.

Mary: I won’t thanks. I know when I’ve had enough, unlike some people (draws Rita a dirty and jealous look).

Norris: So, what are we going to do? She’s still alive.

Mary: She slept with my Norris.

Emily: That’s funny, she slept with my Norris too.

Mary: (Looks furiously at Emily, hatred filling her eyes) Do you mean..

Norris: (Interrupting and changing the subject): Nice day out there.

Rita: I think we need help.

Emily: From whom, Rita?

Rita: David Platt doesn’t like her either. Nor does Gail, after that incident in jail.

Norris: A birdie told me that Steve Macdonald doesn’t like her either.

Emily: I wonder if they’d help.

Norris: If it rids the street of Tracey, then I’m sure they will.

Emily: I’ll pop into the Rovers and see if they’re there.

Scene 3: (The Rovers. Emily enters wearing her dressing gown and her slippers. She has a few curlers in, but in a much more stylish way than Hilda Ogden ever did. Claire is there, and she’s been mulling over what Tracey had suggested to her about the owner of the initials TB.)

Emily: (approaches bar) Is Steve in?

Becky: Ye, hold on, I’ll just get him. (Goes into the back).

Claire: Hello there T’Emily Bishop.

Emily: Hello there T’Claire.

Claire: Your initials are TB, aren’t they?

Emily: Well, sort of.

Claire: So you’re admitting it then?

Emily: Admitting what, T’Claire?

Claire: (whips out the cryptic note that Ashley left before he died) You’re admitting to having had an affair with my Ashley before he died? You are the TB that he mentions in this note?

Emily: (reads note). No, T’Claire, that’s not me. I used to meet him in my front room, not in the fridge in the butcher’s shop.  TB must be someone else.

Claire: But who?

Steve: Hello Emily, what can I do for you?

Emily: Well it’s a bit delicate, but basically we’re plotting to kill Tracey Barlow and wonder if you want to help us.

Steve: Sure. Becky will help too, won’t you babe?

Becky: Oh for sure.

Gail: (overhearing all of this) I’d help too. And so will my David. We want that Tracey Barlow out of our lives forever.

Claire: Tracey Barlow…. TB… could it mean her?

Emily: Yes, of course!

Claire: Then count me in too.

Emily: Oh lovely. Well the next meeting of the Kill Tracey Barlow Group is tomorrow. Do come along. I’ve got sherry!

Scene 4: Kev’s house.

(Kev is in the conservatory with Baby Jack.)

Kev: I just want my wife and daughters back.

Baby Jack: What about me?

Kev: I can’t make my mind up whether to keep you or return you.

Baby Jack: I feel like an unwanted Christmas jumper.

Kev: Well, you were a surprise to us all.

(Camera pans to Sally on the sofa)

Sally: I don’t want your dad in the house Sophie.

Sophie: But he’s me dad.

Sally: And I’m your mother. Choose one of us. You can either have a father or a mother but not both.

Sophie: Well, I like my mother… but I like my father.  But which do I like better? There’s only one way to find out.  FIGHT!

(Kev bursts through, and the two start to fight.   Camera pans to Baby Jack, who gazes upon the scene.)

Baby Jack: Go on dad. Show her who’s boss.

Sophie: Stop stirring it Baby Jack.

(Credits and music.)

Christmas on the cobbles part 2

Xmas Day Corrie Part 2

[Opening scene: Tracey's bedroom. Tracey is in bed with various strangers whom she met earlier in the Ravers Bar - a rival pub in nearby Rosamund Street.]

Eric (One of the strangers): You do have lovely teeth, Tracey.
Derek (Another stranger): And you do have lovely feet, Tracey.
Lembit (The third stranger): And your face is so... so... so like a face.

[A face appears at the window, and stares inside. It is the mysterious stranger who has been charged with murdering Tracey.]

Face at Window (in quiet whisper, so we can't tell who it is): Oh no, she's got company. Nice tattoo, Lembit.


Scene 2: Tyrone's house
[Tyrone is sitting on the sofa looking devastated.]

Tyrone: I hate that Kevin Webster.
Ghostly voice of Vera: Woo woo. Ay up, or Tyrone. What's the matter love?
Tyrone: Oh Molly told me she doesn't love me, decided to leave me, went to the shop, just before an explosion in the new pub which Nick Tilsley opened, and then was caught up in the wreckage when a tram came off the tracks after the explosion. She told Sally that Baby Jack wasn't mine, and then at the funeral I realised that the father was Kevin so I've packed Baby Jack off to Kevin's.
GVOV: Don't be so miserable. Come with me and I will show you Christmas past.

[Ghost grabs Tyrone and they are transported back to a woman's prison.]

Jackie [Tyrone's mum]: Thanks for coming to visit me; did you bring any fags?
Little Tyrone [Aged 7, dressed like the Hovis Boy]: No mama, I was unable to bring any contraband into this house of imprisonment, as Mr Bizzytwig the warden would not allow it.
Jackie: Oh him! He's a @@@@@@. Have you brought me any drink Sweetie?
Little Tyrone: I attempted to bring in some libations, but Mr Bizzytwig's assistant Mrs Emmac Fuzzstop drank it.
Jackie: Well did you bring me any soap or toothpaste or anything?
Little Tyrone: Alas, mater, I was unable to bring you any such things, as I had no money left after purchasing your cigarettes and liquor. I had to walk here and will have to walk back too, but I did not feel concerned about this 24 mile round trip as it is a son's duty to visit his mother when the former is incarcerated by the Bobbies.
Jackie: Well you can go. I don't need you here if you've got nothing for me.

[Tryone and the Ghost reappear at Tyrone's house. Vera's ghost vanishes and Jack's ghost appears.]

Ghost Jack: Come with me, lad. I want you to see what could happen in the future. (He takes Jack's hand, and they find themselves on the Street, in December 2060. Gail and Eileen are fighting in the street, and Dev is watching from his wheelchair. Norris and Emily watch from the Kabin door. Sally comes out of her house, with Rosey - now an ageing woman wearing the same type of clothes as she did in 2010 - in tow. Baby Jack also comes out of the house.

Tyrone: Is that...?
Ghost of Jack: Aye, it's Baby Jack. He has grown up in a disfunctional home, and is now disfunctional.

[Baby Jack runs over the street and starts to fight with Eileen and Gail.]

Baby Jack: It's a fight!

[Ken's hair comes out of the house. It is the same style, colour and thickness as it had been in 2010.]

Ken's hair: Oh, another fight in the street. It's been like this ever since Ena and Elsie first argued way back in the 1960s.

[Rosie's daughter, Tiffany Cole, comes out. She looks like Rosie did in 2010, but she has her father's facial features.]

Tiffany: A fight, ye bring it on.
Sally: Rosie, get Tiffany to behave.
Rosie: Oh mother, I can't. You have no idea how difficult it is to get your children to behave these days. They're not all las well-behaved as I was.
Tiffany: Hit her, Baby Jack.
Ken's hair: NO! STOP THIS FIGHTING.

[All stop fighting, as the wise old hair has spoken. Ken's hair shuffles back to his house, his slippers scuffling on the cobbles. Tyrone is transported back to his house, and Ghost of Jack disappears.]

Tyrone: Baby Jack is going to grow up to be a thug who fights in the street. Should I get him back from Kev? Can I risk him growing up like that?


Scene 3: The Mobile Kabin
[Mary and Norris are parked in a rough estate, waiting for customers.]

Norris: So Tracey is still alive.
Mary: Yes.
Norris: Here comes a customer.
Customer: A magazine, a Gazetter and a packet of Rizlas please.
Norris: Three pounds eighty please.
Customer: Thanks. Did I hear you talking about Tracey?
Mary: No, no you didn't. We are not planning to murder her.
Customer: You are, you are. I will tell her.
Norris: No, you can't. We aren't really planning to kill her.
Customer: I don't believe you.
Norris picks up a giant toblerone and hits her on the head. She dies.
Mary: Oh dear. You've killed her. I'll call John and ask him to advise him about getting rid of the body.

Music and Credits.

Christmas on the cobbles part 1

Christmas on the cobbles

Scene 1: The Barlows
(Tracey is picking her nose with a cocktail stick.)
TB: I want my Amy back.
Deirde: I wanted you back our Trace.
TB: I can understand that.
DB: Promise me no more fighting.
TB: Ye.

Scene 2: The hospital.
Fizz: I hope Hope will be ok.
Nurse: To be sure, to be sure.
Fizz: We're having Christmas dinner here today, specially for John. It'll be like the Vicar of Dibley all over again.

Scene 3: The pub
[Tracey enters, wearing a pair of wings and a halo.]
TB: I want my baby.
Steve: Well, I dunno.
Becky: You @@@@@ @@@@. I will @@@@@@@@ @@@@@ you.
TB: Talk to the hand strumpet.
Amy: Oh, mummy.

Scene 4: The street.
[Mary arrives in the campervan. She invites Norris, Emily and Rita in. They sit down and start to talk.]
Mary: We will need to murder either David or Tracey. We should have a vote.
Norris: Can't we do both?
Emily: Norris. What a thing to say. It's Christmas day.
Rita: I vote David.
Emily: I say Tracey.
Mary: I say David.
Norris: Tracey, it has to be Tracey.
Mary: It's a draw. We will have to go to the viewers' vote.
[Lackey hands a golden envelope to Mary.]
Mary: Tonight, the act that is due to be murdered is.... [pauses for ages]
Norris: Get on with it Mary.
Mary: The act that is due to be murdered is...... Tracey.
Emily: Good. Now let's draw straws to see who gets the chance to do it.

Scene 5: The Pub
[Everyone is eating turkey legs using their hands. Steve is dressed as a dandy highwayman, and Becky is dressed as the Queen. There is dancing, singing and much swigging of ale out of tankards.]
Deirdre: I see Gail's here.
Ken: No fighting today Deirdre, remember.
DB: Ok Ken.

[Other side of pub]
Gail: Tracey is out and Deirdre is sitting there, all innocent and angelic.
David: The bitch.
Nick: No fighting today mum, please.
Gail: Tracey tried to get me sent down.

Scene 6: Tracey bumps into Claire
TB: I'm sorry to hear that your wotsisname is dead.
CP: I'm sorry to hear that you're out of prison.
TB: Did he have any last words for me?
CP: No, but he did leave a cryptic note, saying "If I should die young, please tell TB that I love her, and I am so pleased that we used to meet in the butcher's fridge and entertain each other among the dead carcasses." I can't work out who it's for or what it means. But if I find out, I will kill the person responsible.
TB: I wonder who it could be. Could it be T'Emily Bishop?
CP: I wonder.....

Scene 7: Kevin's conservatory.
[Kev and baby Jack are drinking lagers. Kev is on his 12th, and Baby Jack is drinking his 15th bottle.]
Kev: What will I do baby Jack?
BJ: I don't know. Keep me or give me back. You decide.
Kev: I know, but it's not easy.
BJ: Well I don't mind; either way I will be good for future storylines.

Scene 8: The back of the Barlows' house.
[A dark figure creeps towards the drainpipe, a knife in one hand, a hammer in the other and a pair of pliers in the other.]

Unknown voice: I will kill you, Tracey Barlow, and save mankind from sin for ever more.

Music and credits.